divorcing mom

growing up it was no secret
that you never wanted me
twas too late for an abortion
so you punched your own tummy

you left before i could speak
to say that i loved you
i wondered about mommy
but nonetheless i grew

the people you left me with
were not real grand to me
leaving bruises on the inside
like a bare ring around a tree

when i got away from grampa
they discovered i was smart
i dreamed someday my straight as
would bring me closer to your heart

i was already quite the tigress
when i came to live with you
i figured you were young and scared
and didn't know what else to do

i came to believe in your god
with a playful sense of humor
i was real proud of my momma
not your typical baby boomer

the first time i looked you in the eye
you lashed out and bruised my face
wearing mommies make up to hide it
i felt ashamed and out of place

all teens test their boundaries
but for this you threw me out
and asked the state to lock me up
telling all who would listen about

how i was violent and crazy
c'mon we both no this ain't true
when i found this in my files
i came to really question you

but i cleared the slate again
when i got out on my own
my wings they felt so shaky
i was scared and all alone

for a few years after
we got along just swell
you trampled on my boundaries
i was too tired to tell

you'd stop by announced
and guilt me to let you in
you'd argue that you were unloved
well, congrats, you win

it would often take an hour
to get you off the phone
if i had any friends over
you'd say i was different when alone

was i supposed to throw them out
every time you called to bitch?
off with the music, put down the bong
my moms puters got a glitch

i forgave and forgot often
because i really did love you
you even stopped nagging
it seemed for a while you grew

when angie was teased at school
you'd have to now agree
you had no social skills to teach her
'cept that childish bullshit used on me

to enflame petty fights
and to nark when she cant win
she was a tattle so they'd tease her
and so the snowball rolls again

running out of answers
you pulled her out of class
she'd surely learn to socialize
sitting at home on her ass

with your fifth grade education
i knew you'd teach her well
i decided to help you both
at the time i couldn't tell

of course she didn't want to learn
so she'd tell you i was mean
you believed every word she said
like you, yourself had seen

she's smart, she got her way
i couldn't teach her anymore
i was suddenly abusive
because math is such a bore

she'd get no education
just going to work with you
suddenly it felt more urgent
to point out what we both knew

without some basic skills
she'd be at mercy of the state
and not knowing how to make friends
is an even harsher fate

i never meant to hurt you
but to save her from this path
you decided for some reason
my friends sit around and laugh

and that its somehow funny
how you pulled her out of school
i must brag on friday night
bout how my mom's raising a fool

you added for some extra spite
my friends were losers using me
it hurt like hell for several weeks
before i started to agree

in this fucked up world we live in
there's nothing pure or altruistic
in this web we need eachother
its just not that sadistic

sometimes i use john
for someone to talk to
sometimes he uses me
when life makes him through

i am using my friend ray
you know he teaches me guitar
sometimes he borrows five bux
when we go out to the bar

the more i pondered it
the more i saw its true
each person uses everyone
i was even using you

for a sense of family
and a shoulder to cry on
i thought i had found someone
i could always rely on

two weeks later you called
to have me fix your friends machine
before you thought i had broke yours
but i'm really not that mean

sometimes i laugh and wonder
if with you i could ever win
we both know if i jinxed that thing
it would never boot again

i still sleep with that bunny
that first toy from mommy at sixteen
for a few years i was floundering
always somewhere in-between

wanting to be you
and regretting we ever met
i've made up my mind
and begun to forget

as i look over my life
and what i have become
seeing you clearly now i'm thankful
such is not where i came from

There are two related pages on my site. for mom was written a few years earlier when she tried to get me committed. life and dreams, the heart of the matter is about a strange dream i had as a child that at the time i didn't know involved her.