Harry's Harem

Harry is in an old folks home and has too much time on his hands so he starts going out to the garden every night to watch the sun set. Bertha is also bored and lonely so she starts following him outside. Over many months they talk and become very close.

Eventuality the conversation leads to sex. Harry tells Bertha that he doesn't really miss it but comments that it sure would help him feel like a man if a woman would just hold it now and again. It becomes their ritual over the next few months for Bertha to hold Harry’s manhood while they talk of their grandchildren and compare fiber supplements.

One night Bertha is shocked to see that Harry is not in the garden. She waits but he never comes. Worried, scoots her walker towards the nurses station to ask about Harry. On the way she passes the TV room and finds Harry sitting with Ruth.

As she hobbles closer she notices that Ruth too is helping Harry to feel like a man. Hurt, Bertha cries out "What does she have that I don't??"

Harry answers "Parkinson’s."

Nun the Wizer

A nun walks onto a rural bus route and as often happens gets into a conversation with the driver during the ride. They talk of life and as conversations between adults often do the conversation eventually falls into the gutter.

"I'd really like to give it all a try someday before I die, perhaps even while I'm still young." Confesses the nun.

They drive on for a little while longer. "It would have to be with someone who was not married, because I wouldn't want to commit adultery." The driver assures the nun that he is not married. "I would have to go the back route, they may examine my body after I die and I'd hate for anyone to find out."

The driver pulls over and offers the nun a ride. They get it on and drive a little further. When the nun points out that her stop is soon the driver feels the need to confess that he's married. "Don't worry, its not a sin to you because you didn't know," He says.

The nun asks the driver to stop and gets off the bus. From the curb she says "Don't worry about it. I have a confession too. My name is Marvin and I'm going to a costume party."

Voodoo Penis

A wealthy businessman is forced to leave his young and rather needy wife alone for several months as he goes on a business trip. As he grows nearer to his departure he grows more and more worreid that she will stray.

He wanders into an odd little adult shop at the edge of town and asks the clerk what to do.

Seeing the Mercedes in the parking lot, the clerk knows that this man can afford the voodoo penis.

“The voodoo penis,” he explains, “Will pound her like she’s never been pounded before. Just tell it what to do. Voodoo penis, the counter.”

The little dildo jumps up and pounds the counter until the man says “Voodoo penis, the drawer.” The clerk explains that to make the voodoo penis stop all one must do is interact it to go somewhere else.

Impressed, the man takes the toy home to his wife. The young woman is embarrassed and shoves it away quickly. A few weeks later she is feeling frisky and remembers what her husband said about her new toy. “Voodoo penis, my pussy!” she exclaims.

The little feller goes at her. She comes and comes and comes but gets tired of it. She can’t pull it out, every time she lets go if it it goes right back, ripping through jeans to do its job.

Hours pass, and in desperation she starts off to the emergency room. The relentless pounding causes her to weave like a drunk driver and she gets pulled over.

“Have you been drinking?” asks the pig. “No..it...its... thuh... voo... doo... penis!” cries the woman.

“What are you on?” he insists “The ... voodoo... penis..... I’m... sober..... officer...”

Piggy doesn’t get to finish his next sentence. “Voodoo penis my ass, I'm taking you dow..”

The Question

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at adress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?""About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."

There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."

Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."

Boob Job

A housewife decides one day that she absolutely must have a boob job. She starts hounding her husband, who doesn't want to put in all the overtime.

After weeks of prodding, he tells her to wipe toilet paper between her boobs every day and they will grow. The housewife is doubious but tries his treatment nonetheless. Every time she nags, he tells her to use the tp and her boobs will surely grow.

Months later she re-measures herself and is dissapointed to find that nothing has changed. Frustrated, she confronts her husband.

"I feel stupid!" she cries. "Every day for the last four months I've rubbed toilet paper between my boobs, and they haven't budged!"

"I don't know what to tell you," he replies. "It's been working like a charm on your ass."