Reasonable Doubt

An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

'I've never felt better,' he replies. 'I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?'

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, 'Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near the creek, and suddenly he spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella , points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM! The beaver drops dead in front of him.'

'Thatís impossible!' said the old man in disbelief, 'someone else must have shot the beaver!'

'Bingo!' says the doctor.

Drunk Driver

A cop saw a car driving erratically and pulled the driver over. "Sir, I need you to breathe in this Breathalyzer for me," said the policeman.

The guy said, "I can't do that, office. I'm an asthmatic. If I do that, then I'll have a really big asthma attack."

The cop said, "Okay, then I need you to come down to the station with me and we'll do some blood work."

The guy said, "I can't do that either. I'm a hemophiliac. If I do that, then I will bleed to death."

The cop said, "Fine. Then I need a urine sample from you."

The guy replied, "I can't do that either. I'm diabetic. If I do that then my sugar will get REALLY LOW and I may die."

The cop then said, "Okay, okay! Then I need you to step out of the car and walk this white line."

The guy said, "Sorry, but I can't do that either."

The frustrated cop said, "Why not!?"

The guy said, "Because I'm drunk."

Quickies

Quickies

What is the definition of "making love?"
Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her

What's the Cuban national anthem?
Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar

What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?
Sum Ting Wong

What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment

What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring

Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future either.

What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage.... along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

To keep up with recent events, McDonalds is now offering a new Catholic burger. Its a fourty year old piece of meat between five year old buns.

Did you hear about the new divorce barbie?? Its quite a bargain, you get all of Ken's stuff right in the box.

Cowboys Epiphany

An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs & chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences. I guess I am."

After a short while, he asked her what she was. She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, every thing seems to make me think of women." A short while later she left and the cowoy ordered another drink.

A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."