something to believe in

i believe that all people are inherently good. usually even when i am hurt by someone i try to understand why they did it and remain a healing force in their lives. most people don't actually want to hurt other people, and when they do it is more out of insecurity than anything. people steal from others because they are insecure about their own situation. people cheat on lovers for same. i try to be a forgiving person, but must admit that there are a few that i haven't forgiven, that i am rather cold to. i need to not be like that. its wrong. i really want to be a nurturing force for everybody, even if i don't like them.

i also believe that all people are equal. i may be better at math than some others, but god gave them another talent to make up for it. finding those talents is the great adventure i recon.

i believe in the flow of karma effecting our everyday lives. my friend m has had historically bad karma, and i've watched it ruin his life time and time again. i believe that everything i do good for the world will come back to me, and i've never been proven wrong. i lost my wallet 4 times once in a year, and each time it came back with all the cash in it. for the most part i have a genuine love for others that is reinforced by karma.

as much as i believe in helping others i don't believe in altruism. in the end everybody is using everybody, sometimes with the right reasons but sometimes not. i help people because it makes me feel good about myself and helps my karma. i have a friend facing hard times staying here mostly i guess because she is good company.

i believe that every interaction i have with each person changes the world forever, just a little bit. interactions hitting the soft conscious are like rain pounding away at a cliff. that person becomes different, and will treat others differently as a result.

i believe that this is especially true when someone is asleep, and do my best to be nice to people who are talking in their sleep. they are essentially hypnotized, and anything you say to them is like it was shouted several times over the course of their childhood. i think its wrong to ask people questions in their sleep, because they will always give out all the info that they wouldn't awake. instead i try to be affirming and loving to sleep talkers.

i believe in free will as opposed to fate. some don't find a reason in their lives, wandering aimlessly. some become true vessels of gods love and help masses to be more comfortable. every second of every day i am making decisions not only about my life, but about the lives of those around me. i believe that self discipline (something i don't have much of) is the key to success.

i believe that success is to make the world better. there was a poem that i read a long time ago that ends in "and what's more you'll be a man my son." that talks about having the affection of children and the respect of adults. success is to find a place of comfort and the courage to lead others back there.

i believe that there's nothing new in the world. what i feel and think has been thought many times before. the bible says "there is nothing new under the sun."

i am not sure of my religion yet. i have had so many blessings in my life i know it can't be coincidence. plus there was the dream that i had when i was younger. sometimes still i think that perhaps when we die we go into a conciousless abyss. sometimes this terrifies me, loosing this sense of self i have spent most of my life trying to find. sometimes i can't wait for the rest. i figure after about 80 years i might be done, after i find myself it very well might be easier to let go.

perhaps our souls all merge together into a loving god when its all over. one of my favorite songs is rain king by counting crows. here's a quote..

"put me in a field of flame and heather, render up my body into the burning heart of god in the belly of a black winged bird." the idea of my body rotting very much disturbs me, so i recon i'd rather be cremated. being one with nature, my ashes scattered so they will end up in a crows belly, does not seem as bad. i can understand god strenthening and purifying each soul with hardship and lessons, but not what for. i recently wrote a poem about this, ending by asking if there's enough angels up there already.

i believe in a wacky sort of evolution guided by the hand of god. millions of years seemed like days to the eternal being. i believe that he set everything up to run by itself, karma running automatically like the flow of seasons. i don't understand why he would want us to worship him.

i guess that's about it. for the most part i guess i am playing it by ear. i'm tired and going to bed.