a true fable featuring felines
writing is great therapy, really. just this morning I wrote a very angry rant and after reading it decided to change my plans, to the benefit of everyone involved. getting the anger out red hot and revisiting it clear headed was instramental in making this happen. i try to write everyday, if i can, even if it is just a few sentences. i'm trying to write right now, but my kitten is entirely too needy. i need time for me, he doesn't understand why i wont play with him since i've been gone for a few hours.
i'm sure you're a great person, and i'm not trying to be hard on you, but based on what you wrote there are some things i really think you should think about here, m'kay?
"I need you tonight and you are off with your friend....lets see what happens if you ever need me......fucked up dependant relationship."
Looks like the dependency is on YOUR side. being wanted is divine, being needed is suffocating.
as I've typed this, i've put my kitty on the floor several times. i meant it, but at seven weeks old he doesn't really get it yet. i'm assuming your boyfriend was a little older.
"fuck you for not coming back even though I told you not to come back"
if you wanted him to come back, why did you tell him not to? was his crime of wanting time to himself so heinous that he must apologize that same night, even though you told him not to? have you reached a point where he is so accommodating to your dependency that you take this penance for granted? do you really think he wanted to come back, after he had such an ordeal leaving in the first place? have you established a safe word with him, so he'll know when you are playing games and when you're being straightforward?
even if it was your only night off together, it was likely one of only two nights off he had this week. it seems understandable that he would want to have some fun, and it doesnít sound like you were much fun at all.
granted, i donít know what happened that made you cry. your post gives vibes that you're one of those constant crisis people, but i could be reading something that is entirely not there. one of my old boyfriends stood me up the day after my dad died. when i told him there was a long silence, and he didn't show up the next day for our planned video game and pot smoke out extravaganza. i REALLY needed his support, but now i realize we were both really young and he probably didn't know what to say to me.
it wasn't really his job to comfort me, but the fact he didn't anyway made him a jerk so i left him, even though i thought i was crazy in love and grieving my father. when he showed up a week later explaining that he forgot, i told him never to come back. i meant it. i guess he dated you before, because he did come back, to hear the same thing again.
my kitten is still jumping up on my lap and meowing away, swatting at my hair. i know he has food, he's just bored. i'm bored with amusing him. i've had a lazy old tomcat for years, he knows when i'm busy and when i'm not and only asks for ear scratches when i'm likely to have a spare hand. he doens't have to put up with the rejection of being put on the floor every five minutes like this kitten. if my old tomcat jumped up on my lap, i'd want to know what was up for sure. i'd check him out head to toe for scratches and be very concerned about him.
the question here is, how often did you need him? was it an occasional, genuine crisis.. or are you one of those people who can't stand to be alone? was there a quota to the amount of time he must spend with you, like a second job, to avoid hurting your feelings? i like to spend lots of time with my lovers, but can't stand when i start feeling like i have to or they'll fall apart. taking care of another human being is an incredible burden, thats why birth control pills and condoms sell so well.
sometimes, my kitten plays with my dog. really. its very cute, makes me wish my digicam worked. it seems like in each of the three days i've had him he's learned to be just a little more self sufficient. not now tho, and i have a feeling he'll feel a need to mark me with tiny scratches for at least the next few months. i'm starting to wish i'd just adopted another adult cat.
either way, you're right about one thing.. you should leave him. if it was a genuine crisis and he went out for beers, he's a jerk. if its just something inside of you that can't be left alone, that needs constant affirmation and attention, you need to take time to yourself to work this out.
either way, i genuinely wish you the very best of luck, fellow traveler.
************ origional post follows *******************
I need you tonight and you are off with your friend. You told me that you would come back and see me but why did you drop me off in the first place?
You saw the sad look in my eyes when you told me you were leaving and you fucking ignored it
You knew what you were doing but you dont fucking care fuck you
lets see what happens if you ever need me
fuck you for making me love you so much
fuck you for not being here on our only night off together
fuck you for not coming back even though I told you not to come back
I was crying
did you not hear me?
at least now I have a reason to go
at least now I can end this fucked up dependant
relationship because it isnt right
I know I am crazy and I know I am a basketcase and
writing helps me vent so I am dealing with it in my own way
fuck you to my boyfriend
I am not going to be sad like this again